Shifting.

The past month has been strange and quite simply, off.
Maybe its the weather. It could also be because I have been working a lot of early morning shifts, which seems to just wipe me out after a while if I can't adjust my sleep appropriately. I am finally starting to feel a bit better, and a bit more alive.

At work, it suddenly seems that my manager absolutely loves me. It is nice, however, some of my coworkers seem to be treating me a little differently. I now have a customer who absolutely hates me. He actually had a sit-down conversation with my manager to discuss me. As I have been told, he thinks I am the spawn of Satan. Today as I was about to leave work, my manager actually told me to wait in the back room a few minutes because he had just walked into the cafe. The issue is that he doesn't want to pay for extra shots. The sit-down conversation occurred after I told him "sir we have to charge you for everything that goes into your drink, this is a business". There was another time that he attempted to tell me I was wrong about the standard number of shots to go into his cappuccino. I find it quite entertaining, but also a tad irritating.
My coworker, Calvin, will be moving out to LA in a couple more weeks. It is strange how things have been between he and I. It seems to be going in waves. We will be great and having fun, just like old times, and then suddenly he'll switch and be cold to me, and then he'll switch back. I don't like it, but saying goodbye sucks, and I know that has a bit to do with the waves of cold attitude.

At home, things have seemed to be going pretty well. Or, at least I thought they were. My roommate is rather pessimistic, and I have also noticed some passive aggressive tendencies in him. Things seem to be going well, however, I haven't seen him a whole lot lately because we work very different schedules.
The other morning, I was looking in the refrigerator for some celery I had just bough 2 days prior. Eventually I found them... in the trash can. Later in the day, I texted him while he was at work -
me- "what happened to the celery?"
roommate- "oh, was that yours?"
me- "haha, yeah. I just bought it a couple days ago. Was there something wrong with it?"
... ... ...no response.
so, I have no idea what that was about. And now I have no celery.

The other night, I ended up going to a show with my lovely Illinois friends, who I hadn't seen since new years. It was an interesting time. None of us were really into the bands playing at all, so instead we ended up eating these things chewy things that tasted like tootsie rolls... absolutely ridiculous trip. I drove home, when I probably shouldn't have. Honestly, if I didn't have my gps, its hard telling where I would have ended up. The entire way, nothing looked familiar. I can definitely say this was more intense than the night I went to Oregon. It was a good time, however, I probably won't be venturing down that road again anytime soon, unless I know for a fact that I won't have to drive or be anywhere other than right where I am. Fortunately, I don't see those friends too often.


I'm continuing to lean further from Christianity, while still holding onto my faith in some sort of way. The friends I have been spending more time with lately are very down to earth, and very spiritual, so we have been talking about it quite bit. They have been recommending books to read and videos to watch. It is nice though that they aren't in any way trying to tell me what is or is not right, nor are they telling me what they think I should believe. We are just discussing different thoughts and ideas. It is strange to be letting go of something I clung so tightly to. Being able to make what seems to be logical sense of it all helps though. Perhaps that is also my downfall though. I may be heading in the wrong direction. A month from now, I may be clinging back to that faith I used to know. Regardless, I believe that this is a good thing to go through. I still believe I should be loving people as best I can and putting others before myself, and I will still live a life in that way. There really is nothing about my lifestyle that is changing with this shift of belief. One change that I have noticed, however, is an alteration in my confidence in some things.
At some point I believed that there was someone for everyone, and that if God designed me, then God certainly designed a man for me. I think I only believed that because it was a nice, comforting thought though. Now, I honestly see it to be highly unlikely to think that I will ever get married, unless it is simply out of boredom or desperation... Which I still don't see myself doing. Its not that I think I'm that unique or anything, I just see that the sort of guys I attract, who actually attempt to date me are always guys who like the life I live and want a life like mine, but it isn't how they are living. I don't want to be with someone who needs me to motivate them to be active in life and go off on whims and do what they want. I want a guy who has that in himself already. Someone who's life matches mine in some amount. Somehow, those guys don't seem to be interested in me, or they're already quite involved with someone else... or 15 years older than me. I certainly still have the desire to get married, I just see it as a fading hope. I am getting more used to always being alone or being the third wheel. Its not what I prefer, but I can't let it hold me back from living life.
I do have a slight bit of anxiety about things now, which was nearly nonexistent for me before. When I used to believe that there was God working in our lives, who could control things, it was comforting to be able to trust that things would always turn out alright, and things always have. Now, that reliance on that outside hand is possibly gone, but I am trying to remind myself that things have always worked out alright for me. Perhaps it is just my optimistic perspective on life that makes it seem that way though. Also, in shifting to a more spiritual (non-christian) mindset, maybe I will be able to regain that confidence in some way.
I'm starting to look at the bible as more so historical documents and teachings, which doesn't seem to be too different than how I viewed it before, in some way.
What is going to be difficult about this is that I feel like I have to be careful about who I talk to on the subject. I still consider myself spiritual, but I know how upset some of my best friends will be, as well as some of my family members. I want to talk to my mom about it, but I just know it would cause so much concern in her. I just couldn't bear taking that from someone, or causing them to question, or causing them the upset and disappointment I know some of the would feel.
I also have been considering altering the tattoo on my wrist for quite some time, which as it is now, is a Greek symbol for Christ. Honestly, I'm mostly just sick of people mistaking it for a sorority symbol, though that doesn't seem to happen too often, or at least people don't tell me too often that's what they thought it was. Of course, if I do alter it, I will have to explain to friends and family.

On another note, I have had chest pains occurring for about 1 1/2 years now, which had stopped for a while, but now seem to be occurring more frequently, but the pain less intense. When it first started, a doctor friend told me that it was probably inflammation which could be caused from something like an allergy or stress. The fact that it is occurring so frequently is starting to make me a bit concerned though. Also, I have been having problems with my hands getting really shaky, which has been going on for the past 3 days. This is another thing which has happened occasionally, but usually would last so long like it is now. My guess on that one is that I have some random new deficiency that I am unaware of. Or, I'll probably just going to die before I'm 30.

Denver is finally starting to feel much more like home. I have been hiking, biking, climbing, running, and snowboarding with friends quite a bit, which has been great!
I know that I needed to move away from home. I needed to get out and do what I want. I needed to get away from my family's expectations for me, as well as from their eyes watching everything I did. Being out of school and away from everything and everyone I knew with no due dates and no body depending on me is a freedom that I really can't adequately explain.