Positive attitudes.

When I was down to 4 shifts remaining at the coffee shop, everything fell apart.

Remember that neighbor of mine? The one who I said I'm not interested in who keeps texting me? Well, now we talk nearly every day. If I don't see him, then he is texting me all day. Usually starting around noon, and lasting until one of us is going to bed. I'm starting to think I might actually like him, as we've been spending more time together and really getting to know each other.
One night, when he was texting me while he was working late, doing a system update, the strangest things happened. Around 1am, he suddenly stopped texting me, just in time for Calvin to start texting me. He exclaimed that he misses me and can't get me out of his head and that for some reason he is more caught up on me than he has ever been with a girl. I told him that I miss him, and when he kept going with his feelings, I just got really blunt with him. I didn't tell him how I feel at all. I simply pointed out that he never seemed sure of what he wanted. Everything went down between us, then suddenly he was focused on moving away and we were quickly behaving as if we weren't even friends at all. He didn't respond to any of my comments until the next day. Conveniently, as I was walking into the office of what was supposed to be my new job, Calvin texted me.
Everything he said had me so thrown off and out of it. I honestly didn't expect to really hear from him at all once he had moved away. I especially didn't expect him to be so caught up on me. When I went into the office, I understood that I was going in to meet a couple of different managers than who had interviewed me and offered me a job, because I was going to be put on a different team than what was originally planned. As soon as I got inside, I was informed that I was there for an interview. I typically interview beautifully. Not this morning. It went awful. I left the office, using all my effort to hold back tears until I got to my car. Suddenly I realized that in 4 days, I would be done at the coffee shop and had no idea if I had a job at all. On top of it all, I wished Calvin was here just so I could punch him or something. None of this was his fault, but it just felt like so much went wrong all at once.

I immediately went into work to talk to my manager. Unfortunately, the conversation had barely begun and I was already bursting into tears. She reassured me that I do have a job still, and that everything would be alright. While that was certainly comforting, I had spent the prior week and a half letting myself sulk in the mindset that I was never going to have to work there again. No more dress code. No more early mornings or late nights. No more customer service. No more coworkers who are in their late 30's/40's behaving like 14 year-olds. No more reminders of everything with Calvin.

I found myself insecure about the fact that I'm still working at the coffee shop. For some reason I was worried that my neighbor, Ryan, would think less of me or something.
That night, I had to close at work. Through my entire shift, Ryan and I were texting. I explained everything to him and he asked if I wanted to come over after work. I went to his house, shared a bottle of wine, and watched into the wild, which we actually talked through about half of the movie. It was during this night that I realized that I might actually like him. I always thought he was attractive, but something just wasn't there. I'm still not certain about how I feel about him. I like talking to him and hanging out with him a lot. I'm also realizing that the thought of a relationship really does terrify me a bit. I guess I'll just have to let things play out and see what happens.

So, now I'm back to job searching. I really am trying to keep a positive attitude about everything. I can't deny that its difficult at times though. I keep reminding myself that this job really was simply something to get me out of the coffee shop. It wasn't a job I was thrilled about. It wasn't even going to pay much more than what I make when I factor in my tips. Also, it is better that things fell through now, rather than me getting in there and then realizing that the people in the office were a little wish-washy.