Things have been going along quite nicely with Ryan. He has been taking me out on dates every week. Spending lots of time together just having fun. Discussing life, ideals, dreams, beliefs, etc, etc. Of course the seemingly perfect times never last long before something drops in the way as though a boulder was just hurled off the edge of a cliff to land perfectly in your way with no was around but to either climb over together, or separate and hope you both make it around to rejoin at the other side.
Just a couple days ago, I received a phone call from an old friend from my college days in Missouri. Perhaps I should clarify, this old friend was a bit more than just an old friend. He happened to be an old friend whom I was quite caught up in for much longer than I would like to admit. The last time he and I saw each other was nearly two years ago, on a night that ended with much alcohol and me telling him that I have had feelings for him for quite sometime. He never gave me any response to my confession of feelings, other than that he had suspected that. He said we would talk about it, but never did, which is actually quite unlike him. He is not someone to leave things open. In this case, however, it was left open. Since then, we have occasionally talked on the phone, catching up for hours and exclaiming that we must not let it be so long before we talk again, but of course, it always is many many months before we do talk again.
This phone call I received, however, was not simply to catch up. He called to tell me he would be at my house in three days. He said he made the decision that morning and convinced his brother and two best friends to come along, with intentions of taking me with them backpacking for the week. Of course, there is no way I can get the time off work on such short notice. When he finally let up on attempts at convincing me to find a way, he decided to settle for staying at my house the night they get into town, as well as the night before they leave town.
I can't even begin to explain all the conflicting emotions that came flooding into my mind.
After talking to a friend about my predicament, she assured me that it is likely that I will have feelings for him still, but it will really only be the nostalgia of what we were in the past. Finding myself more calm about the situation, yet still incredibly excited for him to be here, I decided to mention to him that I have a boyfriend who I would like him to be able to meet.
Everything with Ryan has honestly been wonderful and more than I ever expected, until today.
The day was going quite well, I thought. We went to a graduation/going away party for a friend who just graduated and was hired by Google. Yes, hired by Google 2 weeks before graduation. Following this, we went mountain biking, then got coffee. It was a great day. When we got back to my place, he said he was going to shower and get some things done, but that he wanted to hang out or do something tonight and told me to let him know if I came up with any ideas for the night, otherwise he would get ahold of me when he was done with things around his place.
About an hour and a half later, I texted him about a place that we had been talking about going to. A few minutes later, he called me and mentioned a few friends who had asked us to hang out, which he had already told me about for a possibility for the night. He then told me that he wanted to go with them, and that he wanted it to be just him going and asked if I would not come.
How do you un-invite your girlfriend on a saturday night?
He says he has an explanation and that we will talk about it tomorrow. Meanwhile, he is going out to have a good time, while I am waiting for his explanation? How considerate!
Oh, and how convenient that tomorrow the guy who had all my attention for three years is coming to town to stay with me.
You can't tell a girl you have an explanation but she has to wait a whole night to hear it while you go out and have fun at an outing you specifically asked her not to come to.
Tomorrow holds the possibility for so many different outcomes.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Just keep swimming...
Job searching has got to be one of my least favorite things to do. I took a pre-interview aptitude test the other day, which they said would require about two weeks of processing before they would begin scheduling interviews *crossing fingers* I feel like I have to keep telling myself that I do like my current job and that I do like my coworkers just to keep myself going. Today, telling myself didn't work though. Having to close every Friday and Saturday night is just getting old. I'm 25 years-old and can't even go out on a weekend. As soon as I got to work today, my manager started "coaching" me about things that just don't matter. I requested a weekend off an entire month in advance, only for my manager to react as if I am causing her job to be so much more stressful. Then, I asked a coworker to trade 1 shift with me, so I could go out of town, and she simply said, "I like having Saturdays off, so, no". Honestly, next time she asks me to cover a shift of hers I'm just going to give her the exact same response "I don't really want to, so, no". It didn't help anything that I was going off of 3 hours of sleep, as a result of staying up nearly all night with Ryan.
One week after everything fell apart with the job I thought I was taking, Ryan and I spent the entire day together. We began by going hiking first thing in the morning, then went out for lunch/tea and just hung out reading for a few hours, which was followed by watching a couple movies and just hanging out until 2am. At some point in the night, he asked if he could take me out on a date. I am finding that the more I spend time with him is only increasing my desire to spend even more time with him. Fortunately, he lives in my complex, about 100 yards away, so we see each other almost everyday. As of now, we have been dating a few weeks, or at least that is what we tell people. It took my roommate a couple weeks before he finally just straight up asked if we were dating. I'm sure he wondered where I had been so many nights that I didn't come home until early morning hours, if at all.
It is so much fun whenever friends of ours find out that we're dating. Everyone is so excited, or exclaims that Ryan and I are without a doubt their favorite couple. ...couple, I haven't used that term in reference to myself in so long. I like it, but its all so strange still. I have never had someone be so into me. Some nights we'll be laying there and he'll just stare at me for what feels like hours. He seems as if he has no reservations with me. Last night, he just kept asking me questions about anything and everything.
The night after our first "official date" he asked me if we could define "us" to be dating. He also exclaimed that he doesn't date casually, nor does he ever date more than one girl. The other night, after he took me on a night-hike date, he actually referred to himself as my boyfriend. I don't feel like this is moving too fast or anything, but for some reason I'm still not quite fully in. I think its just the fear of getting hurt again. He seems to like me so much, but I'm just not used to this. It feels hard for me to really believe he likes me, just because no guy has ever been like this with me before. I'm not used to someone wanting to know what I do all day and wanting to introduce me to old friends of his and take me out on dates and go on walks, or just hang out at home watching movies or talking all night long. I feel like he is going to know that I'm not all in and that it is going to cause problems between us. I'm so used to being single, and honestly, being completely selfish, its like I don't know how to do this.
The fact that he isn't someone I was all "crushing on" immediately after meeting is very different too. I definitely thought he was attractive and had a slight crush on him initially, but I didn't really know him, and never noticed any extra attention or anything from him until a couple months ago. However, through all that I was quite distracted by Calvin as well. Maybe it is better that I wasn't ridiculously caught up in him right away. It wasn't until I really started getting to know him.
I guess only time will tell all things.
oh, and just for you, Nick - Ryan's first/middle names are the same as your middle/last names.
One week after everything fell apart with the job I thought I was taking, Ryan and I spent the entire day together. We began by going hiking first thing in the morning, then went out for lunch/tea and just hung out reading for a few hours, which was followed by watching a couple movies and just hanging out until 2am. At some point in the night, he asked if he could take me out on a date. I am finding that the more I spend time with him is only increasing my desire to spend even more time with him. Fortunately, he lives in my complex, about 100 yards away, so we see each other almost everyday. As of now, we have been dating a few weeks, or at least that is what we tell people. It took my roommate a couple weeks before he finally just straight up asked if we were dating. I'm sure he wondered where I had been so many nights that I didn't come home until early morning hours, if at all.
It is so much fun whenever friends of ours find out that we're dating. Everyone is so excited, or exclaims that Ryan and I are without a doubt their favorite couple. ...couple, I haven't used that term in reference to myself in so long. I like it, but its all so strange still. I have never had someone be so into me. Some nights we'll be laying there and he'll just stare at me for what feels like hours. He seems as if he has no reservations with me. Last night, he just kept asking me questions about anything and everything.
The night after our first "official date" he asked me if we could define "us" to be dating. He also exclaimed that he doesn't date casually, nor does he ever date more than one girl. The other night, after he took me on a night-hike date, he actually referred to himself as my boyfriend. I don't feel like this is moving too fast or anything, but for some reason I'm still not quite fully in. I think its just the fear of getting hurt again. He seems to like me so much, but I'm just not used to this. It feels hard for me to really believe he likes me, just because no guy has ever been like this with me before. I'm not used to someone wanting to know what I do all day and wanting to introduce me to old friends of his and take me out on dates and go on walks, or just hang out at home watching movies or talking all night long. I feel like he is going to know that I'm not all in and that it is going to cause problems between us. I'm so used to being single, and honestly, being completely selfish, its like I don't know how to do this.
The fact that he isn't someone I was all "crushing on" immediately after meeting is very different too. I definitely thought he was attractive and had a slight crush on him initially, but I didn't really know him, and never noticed any extra attention or anything from him until a couple months ago. However, through all that I was quite distracted by Calvin as well. Maybe it is better that I wasn't ridiculously caught up in him right away. It wasn't until I really started getting to know him.
I guess only time will tell all things.
oh, and just for you, Nick - Ryan's first/middle names are the same as your middle/last names.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Positive attitudes.
When I was down to 4 shifts remaining at the coffee shop, everything fell apart.
Remember that neighbor of mine? The one who I said I'm not interested in who keeps texting me? Well, now we talk nearly every day. If I don't see him, then he is texting me all day. Usually starting around noon, and lasting until one of us is going to bed. I'm starting to think I might actually like him, as we've been spending more time together and really getting to know each other.
One night, when he was texting me while he was working late, doing a system update, the strangest things happened. Around 1am, he suddenly stopped texting me, just in time for Calvin to start texting me. He exclaimed that he misses me and can't get me out of his head and that for some reason he is more caught up on me than he has ever been with a girl. I told him that I miss him, and when he kept going with his feelings, I just got really blunt with him. I didn't tell him how I feel at all. I simply pointed out that he never seemed sure of what he wanted. Everything went down between us, then suddenly he was focused on moving away and we were quickly behaving as if we weren't even friends at all. He didn't respond to any of my comments until the next day. Conveniently, as I was walking into the office of what was supposed to be my new job, Calvin texted me.
Everything he said had me so thrown off and out of it. I honestly didn't expect to really hear from him at all once he had moved away. I especially didn't expect him to be so caught up on me. When I went into the office, I understood that I was going in to meet a couple of different managers than who had interviewed me and offered me a job, because I was going to be put on a different team than what was originally planned. As soon as I got inside, I was informed that I was there for an interview. I typically interview beautifully. Not this morning. It went awful. I left the office, using all my effort to hold back tears until I got to my car. Suddenly I realized that in 4 days, I would be done at the coffee shop and had no idea if I had a job at all. On top of it all, I wished Calvin was here just so I could punch him or something. None of this was his fault, but it just felt like so much went wrong all at once.
I immediately went into work to talk to my manager. Unfortunately, the conversation had barely begun and I was already bursting into tears. She reassured me that I do have a job still, and that everything would be alright. While that was certainly comforting, I had spent the prior week and a half letting myself sulk in the mindset that I was never going to have to work there again. No more dress code. No more early mornings or late nights. No more customer service. No more coworkers who are in their late 30's/40's behaving like 14 year-olds. No more reminders of everything with Calvin.
I found myself insecure about the fact that I'm still working at the coffee shop. For some reason I was worried that my neighbor, Ryan, would think less of me or something.
That night, I had to close at work. Through my entire shift, Ryan and I were texting. I explained everything to him and he asked if I wanted to come over after work. I went to his house, shared a bottle of wine, and watched into the wild, which we actually talked through about half of the movie. It was during this night that I realized that I might actually like him. I always thought he was attractive, but something just wasn't there. I'm still not certain about how I feel about him. I like talking to him and hanging out with him a lot. I'm also realizing that the thought of a relationship really does terrify me a bit. I guess I'll just have to let things play out and see what happens.
So, now I'm back to job searching. I really am trying to keep a positive attitude about everything. I can't deny that its difficult at times though. I keep reminding myself that this job really was simply something to get me out of the coffee shop. It wasn't a job I was thrilled about. It wasn't even going to pay much more than what I make when I factor in my tips. Also, it is better that things fell through now, rather than me getting in there and then realizing that the people in the office were a little wish-washy.
Remember that neighbor of mine? The one who I said I'm not interested in who keeps texting me? Well, now we talk nearly every day. If I don't see him, then he is texting me all day. Usually starting around noon, and lasting until one of us is going to bed. I'm starting to think I might actually like him, as we've been spending more time together and really getting to know each other.
One night, when he was texting me while he was working late, doing a system update, the strangest things happened. Around 1am, he suddenly stopped texting me, just in time for Calvin to start texting me. He exclaimed that he misses me and can't get me out of his head and that for some reason he is more caught up on me than he has ever been with a girl. I told him that I miss him, and when he kept going with his feelings, I just got really blunt with him. I didn't tell him how I feel at all. I simply pointed out that he never seemed sure of what he wanted. Everything went down between us, then suddenly he was focused on moving away and we were quickly behaving as if we weren't even friends at all. He didn't respond to any of my comments until the next day. Conveniently, as I was walking into the office of what was supposed to be my new job, Calvin texted me.
Everything he said had me so thrown off and out of it. I honestly didn't expect to really hear from him at all once he had moved away. I especially didn't expect him to be so caught up on me. When I went into the office, I understood that I was going in to meet a couple of different managers than who had interviewed me and offered me a job, because I was going to be put on a different team than what was originally planned. As soon as I got inside, I was informed that I was there for an interview. I typically interview beautifully. Not this morning. It went awful. I left the office, using all my effort to hold back tears until I got to my car. Suddenly I realized that in 4 days, I would be done at the coffee shop and had no idea if I had a job at all. On top of it all, I wished Calvin was here just so I could punch him or something. None of this was his fault, but it just felt like so much went wrong all at once.
I immediately went into work to talk to my manager. Unfortunately, the conversation had barely begun and I was already bursting into tears. She reassured me that I do have a job still, and that everything would be alright. While that was certainly comforting, I had spent the prior week and a half letting myself sulk in the mindset that I was never going to have to work there again. No more dress code. No more early mornings or late nights. No more customer service. No more coworkers who are in their late 30's/40's behaving like 14 year-olds. No more reminders of everything with Calvin.
I found myself insecure about the fact that I'm still working at the coffee shop. For some reason I was worried that my neighbor, Ryan, would think less of me or something.
That night, I had to close at work. Through my entire shift, Ryan and I were texting. I explained everything to him and he asked if I wanted to come over after work. I went to his house, shared a bottle of wine, and watched into the wild, which we actually talked through about half of the movie. It was during this night that I realized that I might actually like him. I always thought he was attractive, but something just wasn't there. I'm still not certain about how I feel about him. I like talking to him and hanging out with him a lot. I'm also realizing that the thought of a relationship really does terrify me a bit. I guess I'll just have to let things play out and see what happens.
So, now I'm back to job searching. I really am trying to keep a positive attitude about everything. I can't deny that its difficult at times though. I keep reminding myself that this job really was simply something to get me out of the coffee shop. It wasn't a job I was thrilled about. It wasn't even going to pay much more than what I make when I factor in my tips. Also, it is better that things fell through now, rather than me getting in there and then realizing that the people in the office were a little wish-washy.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
After showing up to work 2 hours late, I was anticipating my manager immediately firing me. When I saw her the next day, she actually was very understanding. She did write me up, but she said it happens and asked if I was alright. Needless to say, I was quite surprised.
That morning, I had an interview at an office downtown. I had an hour long interview with two different people. It went really well. So well, in fact, that they called me two days later to offer me the job, which I accepted! Therefore, come Monday, I gave my manager my 2-weeks notice that I was leaving! Couldn't be happier!! No more 4:30am shifts, no more working on weekends, no more working til 8:45pm, no more dress-code, no more customers who believe I am the spawn of satan, no more worrying about keeping tattoos covered! I have never been so happy to tell someone that I was quitting!
That weekend, I ended up at my neighbors house, watching some zombie shoe. Walking Dead. It's a good show, but so absurdly gory! Somehow, after the three of us went through two bottles of wine, guinness-floats, baileys-floats, and smoking a lot of hookah, I ended up falling asleep around 3am on their couch. Fortunately I only dozed off and woke right back up, decided I should head home. Since then, my neighbor has been texting me quite a bit and using winky faces and whatnot. He's great, I'm just not interested. I don't know, it just isn't there for me.
Sunday, I went hiking with a couple good friends. We started off with intentions of only hiking a couple miles. We ended up summiting a mountain and hiking over 10 miles. It was a great hike, and I learned a bit more about these friends in the process. We were discussing spiritual beliefs, which lead to spirit animal, which lead to drugs. Somehow in the end we were talking about how we'd like to try shrooms sometime, ideally while camping out in the woods. Saying that though, none of us are really sure if we actually ever well, its just a curiosity. After the hike, we went into town to get some dinner.
Shortly after sitting down for dinner, a man alone at the table next to us started talking to us... and wouldn't stop talking. Eventually, one of my friends told him he could join us if he'd like. He was quite obviously incredibly lonely. So, he joined us for dinner, controlling the conversation the entire time. Honestly, he wasn't even entertaining. It just made me feel bad for the guy.
On Monday, I stopped into my coffee shop and ended up talking to one of the guys there. Not my crush, but another guy who has always been rather chatty with me. He asked me how my job was and I was, of course, thrilled to tell him that I had just given my notice! While discussing how great it is and after mentioning that I won't have to work weekends anymore and that I can do stuff with friends now, his response was "you can go to brunch!" I laughed and agreed, then he told me about a brunch place that he goes to every weekend, which he believes serves the best brunch in Denver. This was followed with an invite... I was kind of caught off guard and said that maybe I will sometime.
Have I mentioned how excited I am every time I get to tell someone that I quit my job? :)
That morning, I had an interview at an office downtown. I had an hour long interview with two different people. It went really well. So well, in fact, that they called me two days later to offer me the job, which I accepted! Therefore, come Monday, I gave my manager my 2-weeks notice that I was leaving! Couldn't be happier!! No more 4:30am shifts, no more working on weekends, no more working til 8:45pm, no more dress-code, no more customers who believe I am the spawn of satan, no more worrying about keeping tattoos covered! I have never been so happy to tell someone that I was quitting!
That weekend, I ended up at my neighbors house, watching some zombie shoe. Walking Dead. It's a good show, but so absurdly gory! Somehow, after the three of us went through two bottles of wine, guinness-floats, baileys-floats, and smoking a lot of hookah, I ended up falling asleep around 3am on their couch. Fortunately I only dozed off and woke right back up, decided I should head home. Since then, my neighbor has been texting me quite a bit and using winky faces and whatnot. He's great, I'm just not interested. I don't know, it just isn't there for me.
Sunday, I went hiking with a couple good friends. We started off with intentions of only hiking a couple miles. We ended up summiting a mountain and hiking over 10 miles. It was a great hike, and I learned a bit more about these friends in the process. We were discussing spiritual beliefs, which lead to spirit animal, which lead to drugs. Somehow in the end we were talking about how we'd like to try shrooms sometime, ideally while camping out in the woods. Saying that though, none of us are really sure if we actually ever well, its just a curiosity. After the hike, we went into town to get some dinner.
Shortly after sitting down for dinner, a man alone at the table next to us started talking to us... and wouldn't stop talking. Eventually, one of my friends told him he could join us if he'd like. He was quite obviously incredibly lonely. So, he joined us for dinner, controlling the conversation the entire time. Honestly, he wasn't even entertaining. It just made me feel bad for the guy.
On Monday, I stopped into my coffee shop and ended up talking to one of the guys there. Not my crush, but another guy who has always been rather chatty with me. He asked me how my job was and I was, of course, thrilled to tell him that I had just given my notice! While discussing how great it is and after mentioning that I won't have to work weekends anymore and that I can do stuff with friends now, his response was "you can go to brunch!" I laughed and agreed, then he told me about a brunch place that he goes to every weekend, which he believes serves the best brunch in Denver. This was followed with an invite... I was kind of caught off guard and said that maybe I will sometime.
Have I mentioned how excited I am every time I get to tell someone that I quit my job? :)
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I just want to ride my bike.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love my bike? It somehow has been making for a great conversation starter. I also love that whenever I go into the shop next to my workplace, the guys that work there swoon over my bike every time. The other day, I busted a toe clip on it, and had my regular customer/bike guy quickly convince me that I should find some metal clips. Turns out the clips for my vintage bike are nearly impossible to find in metal. I had him order the plastic ones for me, but also set out in attempt to find the metal ones. While in my coffee shop, that boy I have a crush on mentioned that he works on bikes, so I asked if he had any suggestions as to where I might be able to find my rare clips. He sent me a bike shop, which he described to be more of a "used stuff" shop where the workers conveniently work on bikes as well.
The place seemed frighteningly sketchy until the guy working there was suddenly overly eager to help me. I showed up 5 minutes before close and didn't end up leaving for over half an hour, simply due to the fact that I was unable to end the conversation. Even while I was standing in the doorway with a buzzer going off notifying that the door was open, the guy just wouldn't stop talking. Unfortunately, the used stuff shop was no help for me actually finding my clips. Turns out I was about a month too late, as he explained that he did have what I was looking for, but they sold quickly.
Last Wednesday evening, I was doing my usual coffee shop thing, when a friend texted me asking if I wanted to bike around town and have some drinks. My immediate response was to offer to bring a few bright 80's wind breakers that I have. Somehow this turned into all of us going all out in 80's garb, including ridiculous tights and stellar sunglasses. Needless to say, we got a lot of attention all night, along with getting our picture taken numerous times. I'm not gonna lie, my outfit paired with my bright fuchsia bike looked amazing. Of course, one of the photos taken of me that night ended up as my profile picture with the caption "...and my family wonders why I'm single". Just now, as I got to my coffee shop, that one coffee shop boy I have a crush on mentioned that he loves that photo of me... meanwhile I'm standing there like an idiot realizing that for some reason my hand is bleeding, nearly disregarding his comment/compliment entirely.
Thursday, I had to go to court for a hefty ticket I got back in January. The ticket was for rolling through a stop sign, not using a turn signal, not having my current insurance card on me, as well as for letting my IL plates go expired...8 months ago. Initially, while in court I was given a slip stating that I was being fined $1200... yes, there is no missing decimal in there, nor is there an extra zero. TWELVE-HUNDRED DOLLARS! Upon reading this, I was on the verge of crying. When I met with the DA and showed him my current insurance card, stating that I did have valid insurance at the time I was pulled over, along with my new CO registration, he decided to drop everything and wrote off the "rolling through a stop sign" as faulty vehicle. This left me with a fine of $75, which I was much more satisfied with paying.
Friday night, my roommate asked me if I wanted to get pizza with him. For a moment I was quite surprised he was asking me to hang out with him, but quickly realized that he probably just wanted pizza and didn't want to go alone. We set out on our bikes to a pizza place in the plaza next to our house. As soon as we sat down, one of my neighbors texted me to ask what I was doing and if I wanted to join him for a drink at pub also in the plaza. So, after finishing pizza, I headed over to join my neighbor and a couple other friends of his. After a few drinks, we decided bowling was a great idea. Turns out bowling is immensely more enjoyable when you're a few drinks in.
Upon arriving at the bowling ally (next door to the pub) we were told there would be a 20 minute wait for a lane. At this time, the guys decided that I should go ask the guy at the register if we could use the shuffleboard for free. Somehow, it actually worked.
Before long, our lane was ready, and we were all playing a wobbly game of bowling. I've I actually did quite well, despite how wobbly I was. The first game, I came in second, and I won the second game, which of course my neighbor had to make some deal about. I still seem to have a problem with the issue that I get rather touchy when I'm intoxicated around any guy who I may be slightly attracted to... I really need to work on controlling that. My neighbor ended up walking me home, since I had my bike, which there was no way I was going to ride home. On foot I was slightly wobbly. On bike... well, I don't think I would have even been able to get on the bike. During our walk, we made plans for St. Patrick's day festivities.
I had to work a noon-8:45 shift, but my neighbor and his friends promised that even though their St. Patrick's celebrations were starting early, they would still be going strong when I got off work. Work went well, except for the half hour that the regular who believe me to be the spawn of satan came in. I just sat in the back room the entire time he was there. On a better note, my bike shop guy came in and hung out for a short bit. In conversation, he exclaimed that his house is only a few streets away from mine, along with mentioning when he bought his house and that he has a pool... I'll just leave that story there.
Just before closing, Calvin stopped by to ask me if I wanted to go downtown with him and his friends for the holiday... holiday? I don't know if a day which has the sole focus of people getting trashed all day and evening can really be called a holiday. Anyway, I told Calvin that I would like to join him, since he would be leaving a couple days later. After giving this more thought though, I decided I would rather leave things as they were. Besides, he and I drinking together would have probably ended badly. Instead, I joined my neighbor and co.
Of course, as soon as I met up with them, they were sobering up and winding down for the night. Downtown was absolutely covered with stumbling drunks anyway, so I didn't really mind that we weren't out too long. The boys all became overly concerned about me walking back to my car and driving home by myself, so it was decided that one of the guys should come with me.
While driving, somehow he started telling me about how he was married when he was 27, and then they got a divorce when he was 30 because his beliefs about religion were changing, which freaked out his, at the time, wife. We wound up talking for quite a while about life and beliefs. He is actually of a very similar mindset as I am, in terms of faith. If anything, he might be more inclined to Christian-type beliefs than I am. It was good to talk with someone else who is in a similar place as I am, and is coming from a Christian background. I have to say, my St. Patrick's day did not turn out anything like I expected. It was good though, and I didn't have to worry about a hangover the next morning.
Come Monday night, I was invited downtown for happy hour with a friend who I might be moving in with when my lease is up. I joined her and some of her coworkers for the evening, which turned out to be a much later night in which much more alcohol was consumed than I had anticipated. The big kicker of the night was that I fell asleep without setting my alarm for the this morning. Oh, and I had to open.
I woke up this morning when one of my coworkers was calling me at 6am. I was supposed to be there at 4:30am. I have never gotten out of bed and up the hill to work faster ever in my life. The store opened at 6:30 and the day actually went very well. My coworkers all were easy going about it and just kept laughing at me, but I know my manager is going to be pissed when she finds out. Fortunately, she had today off, however, she opens tomorrow, and I'll be coming in at the end of her shift. As if she doesn't already hate me enough, this is really going to help things. I've contemplated that during the lecture I am going to get tomorrow could be an opportune time to let her know that I have been going to interviews for another job... That will probably be a decision I'll make on the spot.
There is no doubt though that tomorrow will be awful.
The place seemed frighteningly sketchy until the guy working there was suddenly overly eager to help me. I showed up 5 minutes before close and didn't end up leaving for over half an hour, simply due to the fact that I was unable to end the conversation. Even while I was standing in the doorway with a buzzer going off notifying that the door was open, the guy just wouldn't stop talking. Unfortunately, the used stuff shop was no help for me actually finding my clips. Turns out I was about a month too late, as he explained that he did have what I was looking for, but they sold quickly.
Last Wednesday evening, I was doing my usual coffee shop thing, when a friend texted me asking if I wanted to bike around town and have some drinks. My immediate response was to offer to bring a few bright 80's wind breakers that I have. Somehow this turned into all of us going all out in 80's garb, including ridiculous tights and stellar sunglasses. Needless to say, we got a lot of attention all night, along with getting our picture taken numerous times. I'm not gonna lie, my outfit paired with my bright fuchsia bike looked amazing. Of course, one of the photos taken of me that night ended up as my profile picture with the caption "...and my family wonders why I'm single". Just now, as I got to my coffee shop, that one coffee shop boy I have a crush on mentioned that he loves that photo of me... meanwhile I'm standing there like an idiot realizing that for some reason my hand is bleeding, nearly disregarding his comment/compliment entirely.
Thursday, I had to go to court for a hefty ticket I got back in January. The ticket was for rolling through a stop sign, not using a turn signal, not having my current insurance card on me, as well as for letting my IL plates go expired...8 months ago. Initially, while in court I was given a slip stating that I was being fined $1200... yes, there is no missing decimal in there, nor is there an extra zero. TWELVE-HUNDRED DOLLARS! Upon reading this, I was on the verge of crying. When I met with the DA and showed him my current insurance card, stating that I did have valid insurance at the time I was pulled over, along with my new CO registration, he decided to drop everything and wrote off the "rolling through a stop sign" as faulty vehicle. This left me with a fine of $75, which I was much more satisfied with paying.
Friday night, my roommate asked me if I wanted to get pizza with him. For a moment I was quite surprised he was asking me to hang out with him, but quickly realized that he probably just wanted pizza and didn't want to go alone. We set out on our bikes to a pizza place in the plaza next to our house. As soon as we sat down, one of my neighbors texted me to ask what I was doing and if I wanted to join him for a drink at pub also in the plaza. So, after finishing pizza, I headed over to join my neighbor and a couple other friends of his. After a few drinks, we decided bowling was a great idea. Turns out bowling is immensely more enjoyable when you're a few drinks in.
Upon arriving at the bowling ally (next door to the pub) we were told there would be a 20 minute wait for a lane. At this time, the guys decided that I should go ask the guy at the register if we could use the shuffleboard for free. Somehow, it actually worked.
Before long, our lane was ready, and we were all playing a wobbly game of bowling. I've I actually did quite well, despite how wobbly I was. The first game, I came in second, and I won the second game, which of course my neighbor had to make some deal about. I still seem to have a problem with the issue that I get rather touchy when I'm intoxicated around any guy who I may be slightly attracted to... I really need to work on controlling that. My neighbor ended up walking me home, since I had my bike, which there was no way I was going to ride home. On foot I was slightly wobbly. On bike... well, I don't think I would have even been able to get on the bike. During our walk, we made plans for St. Patrick's day festivities.
I had to work a noon-8:45 shift, but my neighbor and his friends promised that even though their St. Patrick's celebrations were starting early, they would still be going strong when I got off work. Work went well, except for the half hour that the regular who believe me to be the spawn of satan came in. I just sat in the back room the entire time he was there. On a better note, my bike shop guy came in and hung out for a short bit. In conversation, he exclaimed that his house is only a few streets away from mine, along with mentioning when he bought his house and that he has a pool... I'll just leave that story there.
Just before closing, Calvin stopped by to ask me if I wanted to go downtown with him and his friends for the holiday... holiday? I don't know if a day which has the sole focus of people getting trashed all day and evening can really be called a holiday. Anyway, I told Calvin that I would like to join him, since he would be leaving a couple days later. After giving this more thought though, I decided I would rather leave things as they were. Besides, he and I drinking together would have probably ended badly. Instead, I joined my neighbor and co.
Of course, as soon as I met up with them, they were sobering up and winding down for the night. Downtown was absolutely covered with stumbling drunks anyway, so I didn't really mind that we weren't out too long. The boys all became overly concerned about me walking back to my car and driving home by myself, so it was decided that one of the guys should come with me.
While driving, somehow he started telling me about how he was married when he was 27, and then they got a divorce when he was 30 because his beliefs about religion were changing, which freaked out his, at the time, wife. We wound up talking for quite a while about life and beliefs. He is actually of a very similar mindset as I am, in terms of faith. If anything, he might be more inclined to Christian-type beliefs than I am. It was good to talk with someone else who is in a similar place as I am, and is coming from a Christian background. I have to say, my St. Patrick's day did not turn out anything like I expected. It was good though, and I didn't have to worry about a hangover the next morning.
Come Monday night, I was invited downtown for happy hour with a friend who I might be moving in with when my lease is up. I joined her and some of her coworkers for the evening, which turned out to be a much later night in which much more alcohol was consumed than I had anticipated. The big kicker of the night was that I fell asleep without setting my alarm for the this morning. Oh, and I had to open.
I woke up this morning when one of my coworkers was calling me at 6am. I was supposed to be there at 4:30am. I have never gotten out of bed and up the hill to work faster ever in my life. The store opened at 6:30 and the day actually went very well. My coworkers all were easy going about it and just kept laughing at me, but I know my manager is going to be pissed when she finds out. Fortunately, she had today off, however, she opens tomorrow, and I'll be coming in at the end of her shift. As if she doesn't already hate me enough, this is really going to help things. I've contemplated that during the lecture I am going to get tomorrow could be an opportune time to let her know that I have been going to interviews for another job... That will probably be a decision I'll make on the spot.
There is no doubt though that tomorrow will be awful.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Kenny Chesney isn't something I'd be gloating about.
A couple days ago, I was sending my resume out for a few job openings, and actually got a few calls! I set up two interviews, and I rejected a third. After looking at the company and position a bit more, I decided I didn't want to waste my time with it. One of the interviews, which I already went to, was presented in a peculiar way. It is interesting when an interview turns from you trying to convince them to hire you, to the company trying to convince you to work for them.
The company presented itself in such a way that made the position sound rather desirable. However, I didn't get the feel that this was a position I would be interested in, but decided to go through with the interview since I haven't had a formal interview in about 5 years. Within the first 3 minutes, I knew I was certain that I wasn't interested. If nothing else, it was a slight boost of confidence, as they did call me for a second interview, which I rejected.
The other interview I set up is for an administrative assistant position at a marketing agency. This one, I actually do want. I talked with someone on the phone for about 10 or 15 minutes about my prior work experiences and where I am currently in life. Somewhere in the conversation he told me that he wants to get me into the office soon and that we'll have to do a more thorough background check as well as a drug screening, and he asked if there would be any problems with that. My immediate response was "oh, no, not at all" but of course I was thinking "why the fuck did I have to get stoned last Saturday?!?!?!"
I talked to a couple coworkers about my predicament, as I only have 2 more days until my screening. One coworker told me that I really should be fine, since its something I've only done a handful of times and the last time before this past Saturday was over 2 months ago, its highly unlikely that anything would show up. After talking to another coworker, he told me that vitamin B-3, or Niacin would do the trick, as its a natural way to flush your system. He gave me a few warnings of what to expect, however, he didn't quite stress how uncomfortable it would feel. Then again, maybe he did, but I was more concerned with its effectiveness and healthiness. So, I did what he said, drank about 100oz of water, then took about 1500mg of Niacin and crushed it up so it would be absorbed and work more quickly, just to get this over and done with.
For 3 hours now, I have felt and looked like I have a bad sunburn, I'm all puffy, my skin is stingy and tingly, and I feel as if I've been having hot flashes. Well, based on what I assume hot flashes to feel like. It is just now starting to wear off a little, finally!
I have to say, I am getting pounded with life lessons in the past few months. After taking the Niacin, I started reading a lot of postings saying that most companies don't even bother with the drug test and that they really only do it to scare off people who would be apt to fail, as well as that they usually use cheap, inaccurate tests. I would be quite disappointed in myself, though, if I was rejected for a silly decision I made one random night.
Oh, and on the subject of coworkers - I have been meaning to describe a few of my coworkers and customers.
There is this newer girl I am working with, who nobody can seem to take seriously. Most everything that comes out of her mouth sounds either made up, or so forced and un-genuine that we'd all rather if she didn't speak at all. She is overly enthusiastic in greeting every person who walks in, in such a way that it sounds so startling that she frequently gets customers reacting with shock or with "wow! You sure are chipper today!" this is far above and beyond the uber Starbucks personality. Honestly, its just frightening. Whenever she gets overwhelmed, which seems to be about 75% of the time she's at work, she starts breathing really heavily. As one of my coworkers described it, "she is like a wheezing pug trying to get air". She is always talking about dates she is going on and has told us all that she has a lot of first dates, but not many second dates. Then there was the Kenny Chesney story.
One day at work, she told me that one time she had a VIP ticket to a Kenny Chesney concert. In her words-
"Yeah, so, the night of the concert, yeah, well, I had a VIP ticket, and we made out... I mean, we kinda dated... I'm sure I'm not the first girl he has taken on tour with him"
I didn't even know how to respond without bursting into laughter. Fortunately, I managed to get through it.
She also told us that she smoked pot once and that she didn't know what happened, but she ended up punching someone. We all are certain that she probably wasn't smoking pot if she was throwing fists. If nothing else, she does provide us all with some entertaining stories.
There is this customer duo that comes in everyday, which I can't help but compare to a certain duo that came into my Illinois store. The only difference is that both members of the Illinois duo used to work in that very store. The duo here is a couple of girls who work at the walmart just down the hill. I have never seen just one of them come into the store without the other. Somehow they always work the same shifts, which is convenient, since they're also roommates. In this duo, there is one who is obviously more dominant. She is always the more vocal one. The other, quieter, possibly slightly pretty if she'd put herself together, is usually the one who pays. Everyday when they come in, I can't help but be reminded of a similar duo in Illinois. Very peculiar.
As I have mentioned already, Calvin will be heading off to LA soon. That's starting to set in a little more. I will definitely miss him. I don't know that I've ever been so drawn to someone as I am with him. We've discussed the fact that we feed off each other on that, so it really doesn't help either of us, and really only increases the sexual tension. If I do get this job that I am going in for on Monday, the timing certainly would be perfect. It would be awful timing for my manager, but I really need a change, not to mention higher pay. I would be starting this new job shortly after Calvin will be leaving. It would be a good distraction for me.
IF it does work out, I will miss my store a little bit. I'll surely visit them sometimes though, at least when I come up to the foothills to go hiking or running. I think I'll really miss the little random friendships I've been making with various people who work in the neighboring stores, and of course, my regular customers that I'm starting to get to know. Well, I'll miss the nice ones who don't think I'm the spawn of satan.
It is weird that I feel like I always end up getting really close to people who are moving away soon. This tendency seems like it has been going on for about 7 years now. Its probably just an age thing though. We're all in these transition times, coming and going with school and graduating and looking to get out and go somewhere.
So goes life though, right?
I really do feel as if I am coming out of the lull I was feeling. I have been making extra effort to regulate my vitamins and nutrients, which I know has a noticeable effect on me.
The company presented itself in such a way that made the position sound rather desirable. However, I didn't get the feel that this was a position I would be interested in, but decided to go through with the interview since I haven't had a formal interview in about 5 years. Within the first 3 minutes, I knew I was certain that I wasn't interested. If nothing else, it was a slight boost of confidence, as they did call me for a second interview, which I rejected.
The other interview I set up is for an administrative assistant position at a marketing agency. This one, I actually do want. I talked with someone on the phone for about 10 or 15 minutes about my prior work experiences and where I am currently in life. Somewhere in the conversation he told me that he wants to get me into the office soon and that we'll have to do a more thorough background check as well as a drug screening, and he asked if there would be any problems with that. My immediate response was "oh, no, not at all" but of course I was thinking "why the fuck did I have to get stoned last Saturday?!?!?!"
I talked to a couple coworkers about my predicament, as I only have 2 more days until my screening. One coworker told me that I really should be fine, since its something I've only done a handful of times and the last time before this past Saturday was over 2 months ago, its highly unlikely that anything would show up. After talking to another coworker, he told me that vitamin B-3, or Niacin would do the trick, as its a natural way to flush your system. He gave me a few warnings of what to expect, however, he didn't quite stress how uncomfortable it would feel. Then again, maybe he did, but I was more concerned with its effectiveness and healthiness. So, I did what he said, drank about 100oz of water, then took about 1500mg of Niacin and crushed it up so it would be absorbed and work more quickly, just to get this over and done with.
For 3 hours now, I have felt and looked like I have a bad sunburn, I'm all puffy, my skin is stingy and tingly, and I feel as if I've been having hot flashes. Well, based on what I assume hot flashes to feel like. It is just now starting to wear off a little, finally!
I have to say, I am getting pounded with life lessons in the past few months. After taking the Niacin, I started reading a lot of postings saying that most companies don't even bother with the drug test and that they really only do it to scare off people who would be apt to fail, as well as that they usually use cheap, inaccurate tests. I would be quite disappointed in myself, though, if I was rejected for a silly decision I made one random night.
Oh, and on the subject of coworkers - I have been meaning to describe a few of my coworkers and customers.
There is this newer girl I am working with, who nobody can seem to take seriously. Most everything that comes out of her mouth sounds either made up, or so forced and un-genuine that we'd all rather if she didn't speak at all. She is overly enthusiastic in greeting every person who walks in, in such a way that it sounds so startling that she frequently gets customers reacting with shock or with "wow! You sure are chipper today!" this is far above and beyond the uber Starbucks personality. Honestly, its just frightening. Whenever she gets overwhelmed, which seems to be about 75% of the time she's at work, she starts breathing really heavily. As one of my coworkers described it, "she is like a wheezing pug trying to get air". She is always talking about dates she is going on and has told us all that she has a lot of first dates, but not many second dates. Then there was the Kenny Chesney story.
One day at work, she told me that one time she had a VIP ticket to a Kenny Chesney concert. In her words-
"Yeah, so, the night of the concert, yeah, well, I had a VIP ticket, and we made out... I mean, we kinda dated... I'm sure I'm not the first girl he has taken on tour with him"
I didn't even know how to respond without bursting into laughter. Fortunately, I managed to get through it.
She also told us that she smoked pot once and that she didn't know what happened, but she ended up punching someone. We all are certain that she probably wasn't smoking pot if she was throwing fists. If nothing else, she does provide us all with some entertaining stories.
There is this customer duo that comes in everyday, which I can't help but compare to a certain duo that came into my Illinois store. The only difference is that both members of the Illinois duo used to work in that very store. The duo here is a couple of girls who work at the walmart just down the hill. I have never seen just one of them come into the store without the other. Somehow they always work the same shifts, which is convenient, since they're also roommates. In this duo, there is one who is obviously more dominant. She is always the more vocal one. The other, quieter, possibly slightly pretty if she'd put herself together, is usually the one who pays. Everyday when they come in, I can't help but be reminded of a similar duo in Illinois. Very peculiar.
As I have mentioned already, Calvin will be heading off to LA soon. That's starting to set in a little more. I will definitely miss him. I don't know that I've ever been so drawn to someone as I am with him. We've discussed the fact that we feed off each other on that, so it really doesn't help either of us, and really only increases the sexual tension. If I do get this job that I am going in for on Monday, the timing certainly would be perfect. It would be awful timing for my manager, but I really need a change, not to mention higher pay. I would be starting this new job shortly after Calvin will be leaving. It would be a good distraction for me.
IF it does work out, I will miss my store a little bit. I'll surely visit them sometimes though, at least when I come up to the foothills to go hiking or running. I think I'll really miss the little random friendships I've been making with various people who work in the neighboring stores, and of course, my regular customers that I'm starting to get to know. Well, I'll miss the nice ones who don't think I'm the spawn of satan.
It is weird that I feel like I always end up getting really close to people who are moving away soon. This tendency seems like it has been going on for about 7 years now. Its probably just an age thing though. We're all in these transition times, coming and going with school and graduating and looking to get out and go somewhere.
So goes life though, right?
I really do feel as if I am coming out of the lull I was feeling. I have been making extra effort to regulate my vitamins and nutrients, which I know has a noticeable effect on me.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Shifting.
The past month has been strange and quite simply, off.
Maybe its the weather. It could also be because I have been working a lot of early morning shifts, which seems to just wipe me out after a while if I can't adjust my sleep appropriately. I am finally starting to feel a bit better, and a bit more alive.
At work, it suddenly seems that my manager absolutely loves me. It is nice, however, some of my coworkers seem to be treating me a little differently. I now have a customer who absolutely hates me. He actually had a sit-down conversation with my manager to discuss me. As I have been told, he thinks I am the spawn of Satan. Today as I was about to leave work, my manager actually told me to wait in the back room a few minutes because he had just walked into the cafe. The issue is that he doesn't want to pay for extra shots. The sit-down conversation occurred after I told him "sir we have to charge you for everything that goes into your drink, this is a business". There was another time that he attempted to tell me I was wrong about the standard number of shots to go into his cappuccino. I find it quite entertaining, but also a tad irritating.
My coworker, Calvin, will be moving out to LA in a couple more weeks. It is strange how things have been between he and I. It seems to be going in waves. We will be great and having fun, just like old times, and then suddenly he'll switch and be cold to me, and then he'll switch back. I don't like it, but saying goodbye sucks, and I know that has a bit to do with the waves of cold attitude.
At home, things have seemed to be going pretty well. Or, at least I thought they were. My roommate is rather pessimistic, and I have also noticed some passive aggressive tendencies in him. Things seem to be going well, however, I haven't seen him a whole lot lately because we work very different schedules.
The other morning, I was looking in the refrigerator for some celery I had just bough 2 days prior. Eventually I found them... in the trash can. Later in the day, I texted him while he was at work -
me- "what happened to the celery?"
roommate- "oh, was that yours?"
me- "haha, yeah. I just bought it a couple days ago. Was there something wrong with it?"
... ... ...no response.
so, I have no idea what that was about. And now I have no celery.
The other night, I ended up going to a show with my lovely Illinois friends, who I hadn't seen since new years. It was an interesting time. None of us were really into the bands playing at all, so instead we ended up eating these things chewy things that tasted like tootsie rolls... absolutely ridiculous trip. I drove home, when I probably shouldn't have. Honestly, if I didn't have my gps, its hard telling where I would have ended up. The entire way, nothing looked familiar. I can definitely say this was more intense than the night I went to Oregon. It was a good time, however, I probably won't be venturing down that road again anytime soon, unless I know for a fact that I won't have to drive or be anywhere other than right where I am. Fortunately, I don't see those friends too often.
I'm continuing to lean further from Christianity, while still holding onto my faith in some sort of way. The friends I have been spending more time with lately are very down to earth, and very spiritual, so we have been talking about it quite bit. They have been recommending books to read and videos to watch. It is nice though that they aren't in any way trying to tell me what is or is not right, nor are they telling me what they think I should believe. We are just discussing different thoughts and ideas. It is strange to be letting go of something I clung so tightly to. Being able to make what seems to be logical sense of it all helps though. Perhaps that is also my downfall though. I may be heading in the wrong direction. A month from now, I may be clinging back to that faith I used to know. Regardless, I believe that this is a good thing to go through. I still believe I should be loving people as best I can and putting others before myself, and I will still live a life in that way. There really is nothing about my lifestyle that is changing with this shift of belief. One change that I have noticed, however, is an alteration in my confidence in some things.
At some point I believed that there was someone for everyone, and that if God designed me, then God certainly designed a man for me. I think I only believed that because it was a nice, comforting thought though. Now, I honestly see it to be highly unlikely to think that I will ever get married, unless it is simply out of boredom or desperation... Which I still don't see myself doing. Its not that I think I'm that unique or anything, I just see that the sort of guys I attract, who actually attempt to date me are always guys who like the life I live and want a life like mine, but it isn't how they are living. I don't want to be with someone who needs me to motivate them to be active in life and go off on whims and do what they want. I want a guy who has that in himself already. Someone who's life matches mine in some amount. Somehow, those guys don't seem to be interested in me, or they're already quite involved with someone else... or 15 years older than me. I certainly still have the desire to get married, I just see it as a fading hope. I am getting more used to always being alone or being the third wheel. Its not what I prefer, but I can't let it hold me back from living life.
I do have a slight bit of anxiety about things now, which was nearly nonexistent for me before. When I used to believe that there was God working in our lives, who could control things, it was comforting to be able to trust that things would always turn out alright, and things always have. Now, that reliance on that outside hand is possibly gone, but I am trying to remind myself that things have always worked out alright for me. Perhaps it is just my optimistic perspective on life that makes it seem that way though. Also, in shifting to a more spiritual (non-christian) mindset, maybe I will be able to regain that confidence in some way.
I'm starting to look at the bible as more so historical documents and teachings, which doesn't seem to be too different than how I viewed it before, in some way.
What is going to be difficult about this is that I feel like I have to be careful about who I talk to on the subject. I still consider myself spiritual, but I know how upset some of my best friends will be, as well as some of my family members. I want to talk to my mom about it, but I just know it would cause so much concern in her. I just couldn't bear taking that from someone, or causing them to question, or causing them the upset and disappointment I know some of the would feel.
I also have been considering altering the tattoo on my wrist for quite some time, which as it is now, is a Greek symbol for Christ. Honestly, I'm mostly just sick of people mistaking it for a sorority symbol, though that doesn't seem to happen too often, or at least people don't tell me too often that's what they thought it was. Of course, if I do alter it, I will have to explain to friends and family.
On another note, I have had chest pains occurring for about 1 1/2 years now, which had stopped for a while, but now seem to be occurring more frequently, but the pain less intense. When it first started, a doctor friend told me that it was probably inflammation which could be caused from something like an allergy or stress. The fact that it is occurring so frequently is starting to make me a bit concerned though. Also, I have been having problems with my hands getting really shaky, which has been going on for the past 3 days. This is another thing which has happened occasionally, but usually would last so long like it is now. My guess on that one is that I have some random new deficiency that I am unaware of. Or, I'll probably just going to die before I'm 30.
Denver is finally starting to feel much more like home. I have been hiking, biking, climbing, running, and snowboarding with friends quite a bit, which has been great!
I know that I needed to move away from home. I needed to get out and do what I want. I needed to get away from my family's expectations for me, as well as from their eyes watching everything I did. Being out of school and away from everything and everyone I knew with no due dates and no body depending on me is a freedom that I really can't adequately explain.
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